Sight for sore eyes, optical illusion
Got four eyes but my third eye’s conclusion’s
definitive—I can see for miles and miles
Louder than a bomb but don’t check the dials.

Speakers to 11 but I go to infinity,
Spinal Tap guest star, Nigel was into me
till I stepped on Stonehenge, pissed the dwarf off,
they took back my cucumber, took my drawers off.

I was off-off Broadway so far I was on it,
Even monkeys with typewriters can write a sonnet.
Even a blind pig can find an acorn,
Me and Al Gore invented Internet porn.

Swore it off when my palms got hairy,
I was practically married to five-finger Mary.
Scary when I think of the youths I corrupted,
Al Gore’s got climate change, I’m coitus interrupted.

Ineluctable fate had dealt me a bum hand,
Made money on the backs of teenagers’ glands.
But the better angels of my conscience got to me,
flapped their wings and flew right through me.
Knew me better than I knew myself:
Now I’m pimping out ice cream to Keebler Elves.

Wealth of nations, I’m a national scandal.
Mowed the lawn in Speedo and sandals.
Can’t hold a candle to my wax or wick,
Wicked weed whacker, I got the biggest . . . crick

in my neck, can I get a massage here?
Or a bottle of codeine and a six pack of beer?
No pain, no gain, then I’m a millionaire,
Spayed 10 cats on a double dog dare
without anesthetic, got the scars to prove it.

Cat scratch fever, no balm can soothe it.
Ted Nugent’s agent wanted 10 percent,
I said Hell no, these rhymes are Heaven-sent.