My Asian carp is the pride of the hood, Local fish made good, locovore withstood.
No stomach can stomach it, bony and briny,
Felonious skunk of the sea, never drunk on Hennessey,
He only lives for lake water:
Sagautuck here he comes, fishmonger hide your daughters
Bustin’ through defense like a fish Walter Payton
Watery payback of an Asian invasion.
No way to elude his 80-pound weight.
Poison, electric fences? Y’all too late.
His main buds kudzu and zebra mussel Are coming at you, so prepare for a tussle.
You can fuss and fight, but this carptastic plague
Is falling like night, no way to turn the page back.
The Chicago lobster hits like a mobster
Whacks Gs like Joe Pesci, Fuggedaboutit.
Smacks heads, it’s getting messy—Don’t ever doubt it.
Bearded ladies sprung from Hades,
singles night with my fright wig askew, who asked you
to dance; wallflower power and a rope-a-dope fro,
wide white belt and a Lake Michigan smelt sammich,
did me some damage like an Asian Carp on the fly
or a longhorn beetle drive-by on 123 Dutch Elm Lane.
Asian carp and a pint of Harp, shot glass of bones,
foaming at the mouth, had the Dirty South steam-cleaned,
screened for melanoma, Mellencamp devoured by cougars (not Courtney Cox),
lox-and-bagel flavored Fiddle Faddle,
paddling in the kiddie pool–come to a shallow end.
Something wicked this way comes:
Invasive species sprung loose from their leashes–
Kudzu, zebra mussels, Asian Carp, Beverly Hills’ Chihuahuas;
Plastic lasses with gastric bands; spastic lactic acid lap dances;
stochastic Futureworld sunglasses;
heart bypasses on highway cloverleafs
got a few beefs with an Asian Carp–
Don’t get me started.