The Most Perspiring Blogger Award!

Ever'thing, New, Randomocracy

Today, I hereby nominate all my fellow bloggers for the newly inaguarated inauguarated developed “Most Perspiring Blogger” award!

This goes to honor those bloggers who work hard for the money–so you’d better treat them right.

The Most Perspiring Blogger Award is sponsored through a generous grant from, the hyperhidrosis support group.

If you choose to accept the Most Perspiring Blogger Award, there are a few things you are required to do, to pass it forward. According to the requirements of the award you must:

  • Thank the one who nominated you (i.e., me)–sacrificing a chicken will suffice.
  • Add a picture of the award  (the R or NC-17 versions) to your post
  • Nominate every other blogger you’ve ever read, seen, heard of, or could imagine (e.g., alien bloggers, bloggers reincarnated from past lives, dodo birds, etc.)
  • Keep “awarding” them until they relent.
  • Share 7 random slanders about your significant other (consult with your attorney first to make sure these won’t be admissible in court)

To see your fellow awardees just click here…

I hope you enjoy the award and accept it and pass it forward.

Oh, and one more thing: “UUNNNHHHHHH!!!”

The Sump Pump of Hop Hip

Ever'thing, Hop hip

Back to the flow, I’m never fronting,
Rock the mic like a sump pump, I’m really sumpthing.
Lumpenproletariat, go tell the bourgeoisie,
Even the one percent’s getting hip to me, G.

They’re skiing at Aspen on six inches of fresh coke
while I’m getting et by the skeeters in Okeefeenoke.
Ain’t no joke but they call me The Riddler,
I’m up on my lines like gay men on Bette Midler.

Fiddler on the make, got 4 on the floor,
Five-finger Mary, 6-6-6 on the door.
Whore of Babylon couldn’t get with this,
It’s a foregone conclusion, I babble on witless.

Sit less, stand more, I’m wired like a telco,
Strung out on Strunk and White, shave with Norelco.
“Omit needless words,” but I need ‘em all.
Prelapsarian even after the fall.

Y’all can’t google this quick as I bust it.
If I say “perspicacious” you’ll just have to trust it.
Rust belt-and-suspenders, I keep myself covered,
Sans-a-Belt leisure suit, I’m getting discovered.

I’m a terra nova and feeling del fuego,
Not Chevy No-va or sin los juevos.

Full can of Fix-a-Flat

Hop hip, New

I’m flat broke but I’m fixing to fix that,
Got me a monkey wrench and a full can of Fix-a-Flat.
Gonna do some damage, got a bad case of mange
I’m ready to share with y’all, feeling deranged.

Froth at the mouth but no frothy Santorum mix
Ix-nay butt play, squeal like a pig, bunch of hicks
tried to convince me the world is flat,
I said no, It’s a cube, dude, on the back of a giant rat.

I saw some sneaking through the alley with Sally,
Chicago mammals they big, I took me a tally.
Counted to 10 but could’ve been more,
Couldn’t get my socks off to count 10 more.

Truth in advertising: Subdivision names we’d like to see

New, Randomocracy
  • Degradation Lakes
  • Segregation Hills
  • Olde Town Gallowes
  • Deforestation Glen
  • Hidebound Park
  • Felled Pines
  • Whispering Sluts
  • Crack Grove
  • Adulterers’ Square
  • Graffiti Corners
  • Dog Crap Acres
  • Fisticuffs Crossing
  • Gangbangers’ Lane
  • Fellatio Piazza
  • Tarmac View
  • Cloverleaf Corners
Any others?

Debbie Does Dickens

New, Randomocracy

From the creators of “The Devil’s Dictionary in Miss Jones” and “8 ½” . . .

When the prolific and the profligate meet, sparks fly! A foreign exchange program brings our well-spoken Londoner, Charles “Big Pip” Dickens to Texas, where his host family offers a veritable smorgasbord of Little Debbie snack cakes, great expectorations, and other gustatory delights. Our heroine, aka “The Tail of Two Cities (Dallas/Fort Worth),” puts her postgrad work in literature to good use. “Just close your eyes and think of England,” and soon the Union Jack is flying in a stiff breeze.

Thus inspired, Big Pip reworks his earlier oeuvre into “The QuickieWick Papers” and “Brick House.” Meanwhile, he and Debbie have at it with Miss Havisham, Fagin sees how the other half lives (and gets his name changed), The Artful Dodger can’t avoid a fate worse than death, and Tiny Tim loses the cane.

A Mark Goodson-Bill Todman Production, with funding from the Dallas Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This film not yet rated–vote now!

Vote for my mashup: “Debbie Does Dickens”

New, Randomocracy

I’m one of the finalists for this week’s Weekly Question of the Week, from the redoubtable Byronic Man, so give me some voting love! The contest is for the best pop culture/classical culture mashup–my entry, “Debbie Does Dickens.”

Vote now!