Hop hip

It’s all academic when I get on the mic,
your idiotic semiotics best take a hike.
I got tenure on you, I publish, you perish,
Immaculate reception, ballin’ like Franco Harris.
Ferris Bueller’s day off, but I’m on sabbatical.
You a hole in the ozone, I’m a free radical.
Madagascar, I bought me an island,
Shorty got low low but me I’m so high man.
You think you’re K2 but I’m freaking Everest.
Best start prayin’ now cuz I’m the very most reverend.
I spit it irreverent, your shit is irrelevant,
By time you got started I done came gone and went.
Left with your girlfriend, but don’t worry, I bring her back,
She might need from you some of what I might lack.
On second thought, check that, best say your goodbyes now.
Dogs in me speaking bow wow wow.
“Wow”’s what she said when the Freddy Flow dropped,
I’m Kristal, you’re Ripple, this shit’s getting popped.
You can sop up some grease with the heel of the loaf
If you want to homes, I got bread enough for the both
Of us, just feel lucky I’m sharing.
What’s your chick’s name again? Oh, was it Sharon?
Now she’s my secret Sharer, ain’t talkin’ no Conrad,
To the hilt in the Hilton, got the flow she ain’t never had.

Bad to be you, but it could be worse,
I’m running road blocks, putting chumps in a hearse.
The first shall be last, so I’m way way behind you.
Last shall be first, you can’t see that I’ve blinded you.
finders keepers, you sleep walking, I’m ballin’.
number one with a bullet while your bullshit’s fallin.
Hall and Oates is your musical model,
I’m a bottle of Hennessey, you’re a ship in the bottle.
You got blotto, I’m 85 proof,
The proof’s in the pudding, you think you’re so bad-ass ruthless
but I got news for you—
you’re Ruthless just ‘cuz your chick Ruth left you.
she used to be Sharon, but she changed her name,
didn’t want no connection to you, ain’t that a shame.
Fame is a bitch, but you’re looking at infamy,
You’re the same old same old, but me I’m a symphony.

I got game, yo, you got hobbies,
you holding the door while I stroll into lobbies.
Don’t start sobbing, I’ll slip you a 20,
ain’t nothing to me, I’m good and plenty,
You’re a lemonhead, I got beans like Boston,
I’m 6 million large like Major Steve Austin.
Boss of you, I’m lightning and thunder,
you’re a lightning bug, get your wings torn asunder.
under my thumb, you’re a mote in my eye.
you’d throw “dumb” in this rhyme and think you so fly.
Why you always getting up in folks’ butt cracks?
Your flow is fictional, but these are the facts,
“Wack” don’t do it to describe all your flaws,
with me they hit play, with you they hit pause.
Put some gauze on this wound I’ve inflicted,
None a y’all coulda never predicted,
that Freddy Flow could bust all these sweet rhymes,
you’re a lemon, yo, but me I’m sublime.


Keep it rolled underneath me

Hop hip


Girls are burning with optimism’s flame.
Gamed the system, Miss Pessimism’s claim to fame is:
That she knew me back when.
Trees fall in the forest, I’m all about the zen.
Got a yen for y’all and a lust for life.
Took two in the morning, took a third for a wife.
Third time’s the charm, got a four-alarm fire.
Plead the fifth, get my drift, arouse ire.
Aspire to greater heights, where mighty mites tremble,
Can’t nip these ankles, I never dissemble.
That means “lie,” some-a y’all better look it up.
Tectonic plates about to subduct
got nothing on me, I’m deep like Dante.
Open more doors than Monty.

Get caught in this maze, I ate all your cheese,
Set phasers on “stun,” catch this disease.
Can’t match my release, I never get sacked,
Unfair like the 12th man, that’s just the facts, Jack.
Maximum wage for the minimum work,
Never choke my chicken, I put on the jerk sauce,
get tossed like a Caesar salad,
Like a one-hit wonder gonna sing this ballad
Over and over till the hooks get pallid,
Foul is fair and fair is fouled.
Just fouled out but I don’t play Hack-a-Shaq,
Ref blew the whistle, illegal crackback.
Stack up my sins till they reach sky-high,
Anointed with ointment, I am the fly.
Sigh—not another plain white rapper;
But me, I’m eponymous, like Charles R. Crapper!
He invented the toilet, I reinvented myself,
Flush with success, I reinvent wealth.
It ain’t about Kristal and finger sandwiches,
More PBR and sloppy joe manwiches.

Damn, got switched, separated at birth,
Fell from Graceland back to earth.
Surfed a tsunami, got me some yoni,
But stuck with tuna, ‘cuz the phony baloney went bad
right about when I got good.
Wood in the morning never misunderstood.
Foot on the table, nine inches underneath it.
Got good genes that my daddy bequeathed me.
Y’all can’t see it, keep it rolled up beneath me,
Made all the girls swear they’d never leave me.

The Most Perspiring Blogger Award!

Ever'thing, New, Randomocracy

Today, I hereby nominate all my fellow bloggers for the newly inaguarated inauguarated developed “Most Perspiring Blogger” award!

This goes to honor those bloggers who work hard for the money–so you’d better treat them right.

The Most Perspiring Blogger Award is sponsored through a generous grant from, the hyperhidrosis support group.

If you choose to accept the Most Perspiring Blogger Award, there are a few things you are required to do, to pass it forward. According to the requirements of the award you must:

  • Thank the one who nominated you (i.e., me)–sacrificing a chicken will suffice.
  • Add a picture of the award  (the R or NC-17 versions) to your post
  • Nominate every other blogger you’ve ever read, seen, heard of, or could imagine (e.g., alien bloggers, bloggers reincarnated from past lives, dodo birds, etc.)
  • Keep “awarding” them until they relent.
  • Share 7 random slanders about your significant other (consult with your attorney first to make sure these won’t be admissible in court)

To see your fellow awardees just click here…

I hope you enjoy the award and accept it and pass it forward.

Oh, and one more thing: “UUNNNHHHHHH!!!”