The Love Song of J. Alfred Sedaris by Freddy Flow

Semiotic acrobatics, semantic sideshow.
semiautomatic dummy, take what you don’t know
roll it up and smoke it–blunt your jagged edge
bake your brain with microwaves, throw your head off from the ledge

trim the hedge electric Fantastic Sam
Trip the night bombastic Sam I Am
Flip the switch eclectic AC DC
Lip the witch with chap stick Mercy Me

Spastic lap dance, Plastic lasses flip their wigs
Flash their bigs, gettin’ small, Up with people, down with y’all
Gastric bands, heart bypasses, Stochastic sunglasses
Freddy’s Dead spits saliva, More alive than ya.

Live so serious, dead man frivolous.
Saw a gibbous moon and prayed to deliver us
From lunar lunacy and wolfman urges
Bridal shower blood bath binge and purges

Shoppers splurge, Bed bath beyond belief
Shark feeding frenzy, garbage on coral reefs,
Lots of F words and verbs get thrown about
Erogenous power surges blow your lights out

Dour schoolmarms ace take-home tests
Ace in the hole A-plus blessed
With hidden assets like Vlasic pickles
Crunchy and cold like a hot Don Rickles

Or Phyllis Diller’s sweet dill relish
It’s hot like that I never embellish
Stored in a medieval reliquary dish
To get a taste is my fondest wish.

Speaking in tongues, eating for two
Like a nondenominational New Testament Jew
Chewbacca ate Hans Solo, I took a bite out of rhyme
Princess Leia laid low, she’s on me all the time.

Put my clown tie on for the Elders of Zion
Diplomatic protocol, fascist folderol
Drank the Geritol with the raging ageists
Sipped the Haterade, stole a page from the plagiarists.

Try to save face, international space race
There is no basis, I’m the space case.
Getting my facial at a glacial pace
Face the facts—an axe is what it takes

Lose 10 pounds of ugly fat with one mighty blow.
Night of my living head, only on HBO.
Or one night I spent in the Hilton in Paris
Not in Paris Hilton or with David Sedaris.
But had I to choose, the socialite would surely lose
Get on up with your bad self, Santa Elf!

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